38 weeks pregnant with our adopted girl!

Hi. Sorry its been awhile since I have gotten on and written. I have to admit I have no idea where the month of May went. It flew by like my weeks normally do. My incredible husband graduated from nursing school with his BSN in the middle of the month. He started a job in a internal medicine office with 7a-4p Monday - Friday office hours. What??? Its only been about two weeks that he has been working there but it's pretty awesome that he can come home and NOT have to leave to study for another 10 hours each night.

Over the past 3 years of schooling, he learned how to stay up REALLY late and drink lots of coffee at steak n' shake. Now he has to learn how to go to bed early, hit the gym at 5am and be at work all around the 7 O'clock hour. Adjustments are always being made in our home!

With me only a few weeks away from my due date, you can ONLY imagine the intensity of nesting that is taking place in my home. I organize and re-organize everything I can stop and focus on. I know my children are going to be thrilled to meet their meaningful mommy they once knew and loved. The mommy that smiled and cuddled and read books to them, but the last 2 weeks or so... she has left... and "machine mommy" has arrived. It's not her first arrival, so I know she'll leave and once again I will be adjusted to a new beautiful chaos with little sleep and a messy home and it will seem heavenly.

I never did do a follow-up with my previous post. I had a 30 week sonogram and came to find out that my placenta had moved up toward the top of my uterus and I was given the ok to go back to the original plan of trying to v-bac.

I didn't ever make the time to get on here and post about how important that was and how much I longed for that to happen. I did however post a few belly photos on Instagram in regards to asking for prayer for this precious form of delivery.

Well once I hit about 34 weeks, my emotional obsession started to kick in. It took a few weeks to realize how consumed my mind was with doing, doing, doing ANYTHING I could to have my hand in the potential of a v-bac. I could write a book about the past good month and a half, because I was so intense over every detail of what I was doing. I had shared earlier that I was faithfully staying active with exercise (Crossfit). I started pushing myself more there, and then at home I would purposefully not rest to over work my body. I wanted to walk, rock on my ball, and a variety of other labor inducers, all with the hopes that I could begin to help the softening process of my cervix.

So here is where it all changed. My 36 week appt. I found out two very sobering realities. #1 I was NOT dilated at all, (which in perspective is fine because 36 weeks is still early, but for my specific story, we needed to see some progress even if it was little). #2 reality: My doctor was going to be on vacation the very week of my due date. No big deal right? well it was in so many ways.

My doctor and I discussed what my options were... I basically could wait until I go into labor like I desired previously or schedule surgery. After discussing my past pregnancies and how my body responded with those, and how its carrying her now, he was pretty confident I would carry her up until my due date. Which meant that he would be GONE for her delivery. I am not frustrated he will be gone... my due date falls over a the only summer holiday. Its just one of those pieces of information that stick you hard with truth.

If I wait to deliver her on her own and she comes while he is away on vacation, I no longer have his permission to v-bac. I am at the mercy of what-ever doctor (Not in his office) is on call in the hospital. When I share with a medical professional that I want to try to v-bac after 3 c-sections they look at me as though I am actually TRYING to hurt myself & my baby. One look at my chart and almost any doctor is going to require me to have surgery because they don't want the potential risk to be on their watch.

I left his office with such a heavy heart. I was immediately reminded of my desperation with Willow's pregnancy and how it still ended up the exact way I was praying against. The whole day was filled with me being around a lot of adults and kids and all I wanted to do was get away and pray.

Have you ever read those scriptures on faith and trust, the ones that repeat themselves through out the gospels? You know if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you will move mountains? if you ask for it in my name you will receive it? You know those awesome stories where Jesus performed miracles and blessed those because of their faith. Those are what I have been reading lately, hoping to help me increase my belief in God's ability to answer this prayer. In the past, I have seen God's faithfulness in this area of stepping out in faith and trusting him and watching him blow me away. My first born, my twins, JR's schooling, our home... just to name a few.

Its so easy to allow your relationship with God to become more of a provision/blessing exchange than an actual relationship of quality time, stillness in his presence & just contentment with the creator without want or need.

I saw my desperation in a vaginal birth become something unhealthy in my heart. Do I still long for it? Yes. But I chose to surrender the desire to Him fully. I asked the Lord to help me position my heart in my prayer because I didn't know how to. One direction: pray, believe and contend (that was backed by a lot of emotional investment) or surrender it all and be at peace with the very high potential of surgery.

I went to bed that night (about 11 days ago) and I was reminded through an encouraging email of a friend, about another woman in the area that JUST delivered her 3rd baby through a family-centered cesarean. This whole exchange of communication was awesome and so timely. I asked the Lord to position my heart, I surrendered my desires... I longed to NOT put myself in a place that I could be offended by God. So this was the way my heart was led.

After our precious girl gets here I will have to get on and share all the details of what a family-centered cesarean is. I will tell you this, its taking the surgical procedure of delivery and adding back into the OR room portions of the birth experience. There is an incredible woman who reached out to me a few months ago in regards to this, she did so much research and leg work and God fully blessed her 3rd cesarean just a few weeks ago with a completely different birth experience in the OR.

The biggest desire in my heart has been to be the first person to hold my precious girl. That has been the driving factor in desiring the v-bac. This form of surgery will allow for that! I have gone to hospital to see if I too could have surgery like this, they said they would be on board but I had to schedule the surgery so they can staff for that surgical procedure. I took medical journals and information to my doctor to review so I could speak with him about it at my most recent OB visit.

So with gratitude in my heart, I am fully at peace with a scheduled family-centered cesarean. ONE WEEK FROM TODAY! I will be holding my precious girl in 7 days. I would still love to see her come on her own, but I am not emotionally invested anymore. I am surrendered & it feels so free.

So June 28th at 7:30am our precious Salem, our daughter of peace, that God hand picked out of a frozen medical facility will be given life. Please pray for us as our family encounters her life and that we are sensitive to the holy spirit as he speaks to us about her!