38 weeks pregnant with our adopted girl!

Hi. Sorry its been awhile since I have gotten on and written. I have to admit I have no idea where the month of May went. It flew by like my weeks normally do. My incredible husband graduated from nursing school with his BSN in the middle of the month. He started a job in a internal medicine office with 7a-4p Monday - Friday office hours. What??? Its only been about two weeks that he has been working there but it's pretty awesome that he can come home and NOT have to leave to study for another 10 hours each night.

Over the past 3 years of schooling, he learned how to stay up REALLY late and drink lots of coffee at steak n' shake. Now he has to learn how to go to bed early, hit the gym at 5am and be at work all around the 7 O'clock hour. Adjustments are always being made in our home!

With me only a few weeks away from my due date, you can ONLY imagine the intensity of nesting that is taking place in my home. I organize and re-organize everything I can stop and focus on. I know my children are going to be thrilled to meet their meaningful mommy they once knew and loved. The mommy that smiled and cuddled and read books to them, but the last 2 weeks or so... she has left... and "machine mommy" has arrived. It's not her first arrival, so I know she'll leave and once again I will be adjusted to a new beautiful chaos with little sleep and a messy home and it will seem heavenly.

I never did do a follow-up with my previous post. I had a 30 week sonogram and came to find out that my placenta had moved up toward the top of my uterus and I was given the ok to go back to the original plan of trying to v-bac.

I didn't ever make the time to get on here and post about how important that was and how much I longed for that to happen. I did however post a few belly photos on Instagram in regards to asking for prayer for this precious form of delivery.

Well once I hit about 34 weeks, my emotional obsession started to kick in. It took a few weeks to realize how consumed my mind was with doing, doing, doing ANYTHING I could to have my hand in the potential of a v-bac. I could write a book about the past good month and a half, because I was so intense over every detail of what I was doing. I had shared earlier that I was faithfully staying active with exercise (Crossfit). I started pushing myself more there, and then at home I would purposefully not rest to over work my body. I wanted to walk, rock on my ball, and a variety of other labor inducers, all with the hopes that I could begin to help the softening process of my cervix.

So here is where it all changed. My 36 week appt. I found out two very sobering realities. #1 I was NOT dilated at all, (which in perspective is fine because 36 weeks is still early, but for my specific story, we needed to see some progress even if it was little). #2 reality: My doctor was going to be on vacation the very week of my due date. No big deal right? well it was in so many ways.

My doctor and I discussed what my options were... I basically could wait until I go into labor like I desired previously or schedule surgery. After discussing my past pregnancies and how my body responded with those, and how its carrying her now, he was pretty confident I would carry her up until my due date. Which meant that he would be GONE for her delivery. I am not frustrated he will be gone... my due date falls over a the only summer holiday. Its just one of those pieces of information that stick you hard with truth.

If I wait to deliver her on her own and she comes while he is away on vacation, I no longer have his permission to v-bac. I am at the mercy of what-ever doctor (Not in his office) is on call in the hospital. When I share with a medical professional that I want to try to v-bac after 3 c-sections they look at me as though I am actually TRYING to hurt myself & my baby. One look at my chart and almost any doctor is going to require me to have surgery because they don't want the potential risk to be on their watch.

I left his office with such a heavy heart. I was immediately reminded of my desperation with Willow's pregnancy and how it still ended up the exact way I was praying against. The whole day was filled with me being around a lot of adults and kids and all I wanted to do was get away and pray.

Have you ever read those scriptures on faith and trust, the ones that repeat themselves through out the gospels? You know if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you will move mountains? if you ask for it in my name you will receive it? You know those awesome stories where Jesus performed miracles and blessed those because of their faith. Those are what I have been reading lately, hoping to help me increase my belief in God's ability to answer this prayer. In the past, I have seen God's faithfulness in this area of stepping out in faith and trusting him and watching him blow me away. My first born, my twins, JR's schooling, our home... just to name a few.

Its so easy to allow your relationship with God to become more of a provision/blessing exchange than an actual relationship of quality time, stillness in his presence & just contentment with the creator without want or need.

I saw my desperation in a vaginal birth become something unhealthy in my heart. Do I still long for it? Yes. But I chose to surrender the desire to Him fully. I asked the Lord to help me position my heart in my prayer because I didn't know how to. One direction: pray, believe and contend (that was backed by a lot of emotional investment) or surrender it all and be at peace with the very high potential of surgery.

I went to bed that night (about 11 days ago) and I was reminded through an encouraging email of a friend, about another woman in the area that JUST delivered her 3rd baby through a family-centered cesarean. This whole exchange of communication was awesome and so timely. I asked the Lord to position my heart, I surrendered my desires... I longed to NOT put myself in a place that I could be offended by God. So this was the way my heart was led.

After our precious girl gets here I will have to get on and share all the details of what a family-centered cesarean is. I will tell you this, its taking the surgical procedure of delivery and adding back into the OR room portions of the birth experience. There is an incredible woman who reached out to me a few months ago in regards to this, she did so much research and leg work and God fully blessed her 3rd cesarean just a few weeks ago with a completely different birth experience in the OR.

The biggest desire in my heart has been to be the first person to hold my precious girl. That has been the driving factor in desiring the v-bac. This form of surgery will allow for that! I have gone to hospital to see if I too could have surgery like this, they said they would be on board but I had to schedule the surgery so they can staff for that surgical procedure. I took medical journals and information to my doctor to review so I could speak with him about it at my most recent OB visit.

So with gratitude in my heart, I am fully at peace with a scheduled family-centered cesarean. ONE WEEK FROM TODAY! I will be holding my precious girl in 7 days. I would still love to see her come on her own, but I am not emotionally invested anymore. I am surrendered & it feels so free.

So June 28th at 7:30am our precious Salem, our daughter of peace, that God hand picked out of a frozen medical facility will be given life. Please pray for us as our family encounters her life and that we are sensitive to the holy spirit as he speaks to us about her!

208 days pregnant... who's counting?

I am a few days shy of 30 weeks pregnant. I have this fond memory of week 30 of my pregnancy with Betsy. She was my 4th child but it was my 3rd full term pregnancy. I was in pregnant mommy bliss with our first born, don't get me wrong I still got sick, I was just so thankful that I was pregnant that I took it all in joyful stride. Then I experienced the "wow's" of carrying multiples, haha more like woes! So with baby #4, pregnancy #3, I was slightly seasoned with the logistics of what nine months looked and felt like. I had a small crew of 3 kiddos running around and I had a lot of physical hip pain, which caused me to sit around a lot. So When the 30th week of pregnancy rolled around that time, I remember thinking "oh so positively" that it's just a 10 week count down, it should go fast...

She was born 7 weeks later (that was a big surprise)! My water broke, but she was not anywhere near ready for her arrival. I ended up with my second c-section, something I did not want. So with baby #5, I had high hopes to have a slightly early arriver with the desire that I could v-back (after two surgeries), yeah my body does not do what its supposed to do. She was prudent in her arrival, showing up exactly as scheduled according to the hospital's convenience. At exactly 39 weeks along. 

Now, this post is NOT going to be a rant about how much I DISLIKE c-sections. Let's just say, if I could be the writer of my birthing experiences they would most likely have ended up in my home or something close to that. But life is not full of what we want... it's full of what we are blessed with even if it's different than our opinion.

So I am here to say, that although I have worked hard at staying somewhat physically active, I've done it with ulterior motives. I have motivated myself since I was 15 weeks pregnant to exercise 3 times a week. I have been pretty darn faithful to my love of Crossfit. My ability to do things has become much less, but I have done it all with this hovering desire that MAYBE if my body is in decent shape then... could I get this precious little baby to just fall out of my body the right way??? Its been an excellent motivator. Until my most recent OB appt. 

But let's back up to a few months ago though first: I asked my doctor around 4 months along if I could NOT schedule surgery this time around and just go until my due date. You know see if my body went into labor super fast and it didn't last long and wasn't hard on her or my scar... (Haha here's me dreaming) honestly my desire to have her the normal way has not been to jeopardize her health or mine. I have just had the amazing opportunity of meeting ONE of my kids immediately after birth through embrace and there is NOTHING like that moment. 

But at the most recent OB visit I found out my placenta is anterior. It's on the front of my belly, it's like a buffer between her and my tummy, so her movement is more muffled. Not normally a big deal in pregnancy, except in my case since I have been cut open 3 times previously I have a lot of scar tissue that "could" cause my placenta to grab on to my uterus and make a permanent home in the lining wall. Which could end up causing major complications in delivery. I somewhat laughed when the doc was telling me about it, and he said "this could be serious, if the placement of your placenta is low enough,  you could end up with a hysterectomy or lose parts of other organs ... you could even bleed to death".  "Hello... ok I will stop laughing, but I am not fretting either. God is good to our hearts and he prepares us in the smallest ways. I didn't walk out of the office in shambles. I took the info in stride and thanked the Lord for his provision at the moment and for the delivery. I was more bothered that my plans to sabotage another c-section had been thwarted. 

I mean unless I cough and she falls out, there is NO way she will arrive without the knife. My doctor has put the kibosh on me even laboring a little bit. It's sad, but I am a big girl, I won't whine about it. well maybe a little bit on the 2nd and 3rd day post surgery.

I don't mean to sound silly, but I really dislike the recovery of c-sections not to mention the actual meeting of the precious life I have been carting around for 10 months, on a table all doped up... not a fun first moment. I have spent quite a bit of time in prayer over it and God is good regardless of my feelings and opinions. I mean my perspective is raw and real before him. I have my desires but I desire Him more than outcomes. I like having a portion of my story I can't control, God is incredibly faithful. I trust Him. I have been blessed with five incredibly healthy children and I deeply know that. I am pretty thrilled that I will be enamored and so in love in just 11 short weeks regardless of how she arrives.

In other news, I have had a heck of a month! After I announced Salem's precious name, a few days later I spent a week in an intense "potty camp" with our youngest. Willow is now all ready to hand over her baby title to little Miss Salem. We are paci free and daytime diaper free! She wears a pull up to bed, but I am sure it won't be for long, she wakes up dry pretty often!

I told the kids the other day that Salem can hear them talking if they get close enough, so now they are always telling her things. A few night ago, they all picked a book and took turns reading to her! It was precious!

I have another doc appt next week, so I might try to give a quick update after that. Have an awesome rest of your week. 

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Cor 4:18

She has a name...

We spent quite a bit of time in prayer over it, and I honestly got to a point where I was obsessing over it. Like in constant search... JR had felt led to read a portion of scripture in Isaiah in early January, that inspired the direction of what "we" thought we should speak over her name and its meaning. It was stuff like we "desired her", "she was sought after", and "how her life was honored" etc. But every time we would settle on a name idea to begin praying over, I would get very uneasy about it and I would begin to look again. I listed all the crazy name rules in a recent post, and those rules were making the potential options very limited. Yet I was determined to stick to them.

So this one Sunday morning a little over a month ago, I woke up groggy from the endless name searching I had done the night before, I rolled over and grabbed my phone and opened up the bible app, and picked up reading where I had left off the day before. I began reading in Hebrews chapter 4. I read through all of ch 4, 5 and 6. As I was transitioning from chapter 6 to 7 I was fascinated with the story of King Melchizedek... and what his name meant and that the bible referenced the city he was from and what the cities name meant. As I was reading I was reminded of a distant friend's daughter who I know of (because of facebook) named after this city, I thought in prayer, "oh wow, I have never seen that before in your word, I would just LOVE it if you would speak to us in your word about her name." I went on about our day (thinking nothing of that morning and my reading time). That evening, I was laying in bed and once again began obsessively searching for name meanings. I went to bed super excited thinking I had a great idea and couldn't wait to share it with JR. 

I shared my idea with him early the next morning, it fit with our desires of what to speak over her, he thought it was cute but it didn't scream out "YES that is her name, to him. That evening I had a friend stop by, we caught up on life, I shared with her my hectic naming dilemma but how I had this "specific" idea and as I was telling her the name, I began to instantly doubt it was the right name for her. So after my girlfriend left I went to bed with arms up in surrender. I began to pray this prayer "Lord you KNOW her name, you know what we are to speak over her, she was your idea long before she was ours, I give up my rules, my ideas and my searching madness. If you want to withhold this from us until the day she is born, I will trust you with it and I will stop looking and wait for you to speak to us".

I got a great night of sleep that night! The next morning I was doing school with Foster in the morning, while he was doing an assignment, I briefly checked my FB messages. I did say in my last post, if you hear from the Lord send me an email! I was saying it with a bit of sarcasm, but I had received some genuine messages from some of you that I took to heart. That morning was one of them. I opened up my email and I read these words:

"King Melchizedek" from the City of Salem

Salem = Peace

THOSE words might as well have walked up onto my doorstep and unpacked their bags because I instantly felt the presence of the Lord all over that message. I had JUST read this story two days before saying to the Lord "You can speak to me in your word like this" but NOT paying any attention to the very passage I was reading. I trusted the woman who wrote the message. She too is an incredible mother to small children who names her children with the same fervent prayer and intention. 

I immediately sensed my need pray over this. The idea of speaking "peace" over our baby was something I had not even thought of. To be honest I questioned why? I sat on my bed and said out loud "Ok Lord, I am willing to consider this name but what does "peace" have to do with her story? and in the most audible sound in my heart... I heard "EVERYTHING". Instantly her story fled through my mind, all the details, the beauty of it and the hard parts that could be difficult to understand. It was like a puzzle missing one piece fell perfectly into place, peace made so much sense. If she walks with peace in Jesus then she will be able to handle all of her story. 

I decided to let it set in my heart and the following evening I began to share with JR how I was reading in the book of Hebrews on Sunday not thinking anything of it, then how I surrendered my obsessive search on Monday night, and then Tuesday morning, I received an email about the name "Salem = peace". I told him how I had been praying over it and that I waited to share it with him and that the idea of speaking peace over her made so much and sense. He looked at me with the most engaged look and said "that is it, that sits so right with me". He knew immediately and that was it.

We have now spent the past month calling her by name and each time we speak it out its like life is being spoken forth over her. Its awesome! We waited to share so it was fully ours. and it is now. So this miracle baby girl who is growing PERFECTLY in my womb (to the day) EVEN after being frozen for 5 YEARS has an identity that we fully believe the Lord gave her. Salem August Shepard Dakin. She is Salem which means peace, She is August which has a double meaning, August means exalted and revered and it IS the month that she became ours. She is Shepard sort of as a name sake to the other embryo that didn't implant, it was going to be the name for a son and the significance of what Jesus spoke about being a shepard to his sheep. We are speaking a heart of compassion and the desire to care for others over her.

There you have it... I have shared most of what went into naming our girl. We are set and thankful to call her by name. She is becoming a family member that each one of us loves and cares for. Thank you to everyone who continues to pray for us and share our story. Its all about giving God the stage of our life and when get to give him glory for the moments in our life it reminds us of how we ARE are apart of HIS story and not just an ordinary one we are just living. 

We desire to live out each day with intention to honor Him. We long to teach our kids how to choose Him and not their selfishness. Its easy to choose us over Him... And as individuals and parents JR and I are FAR from good at it... but being apart of His story strengthens our faith in Him. His longing to be apart of our life, and to lead us and teach us dependence, surrender, and freedom in Him are a day to day way of living. Some days are better than others. We just wake up and walk in a deep gratefulness that his mercies are new EVERY morning. He portrays the greatest example of love to us as He keeps no record of wrongs. Thankful for all Jesus did for us. Because of Him the slate can be wiped clean always. Surrender, Repentance, Freedom those are the steps to a love of no record keeping.

We love our girl and although I complain about pregnancy I am thankful for it. It has slowed me down, and deeply reminded me how vulnerable I am and how desperate I am for Jesus. I can't do my role in my life without him.

Thank you Jesus for our sweet Salem girl, she is your gift and your blessing to us and we are thrilled you have called us to have her in our home. I pray that others would be inspired to look past their circumstances and be open to stepping into a faith filled adventure. Give up your protected schedule, busy life, limited bank account and rescue a child, don't wait for a flashing billboard, step out in faith and know it WILL be challenging, it WILL make you vulnerable, you will feel doubt, but when did God wait to draw you into his family? He longs for everyone to know Him. so doesn't he long for each of us to step out and bring a life home that needs it? The reason the work is plenty and workers are few is because only a few respond to his call...  His story of redemption for us is a picture of what he wants us to do for others...  REDEEM those who cannot do for themselves.

The ways to do this are endless... adopt domestically, adopt internationally, sign up to be a foster parent, Be wild and crazy about abortion and adopt an embryo not because YOU want another child but because over half a million healthy embryos are sitting frozen waiting for a healthy womb and a willing family.... Don't be afraid, be moved.

6 months along!

Hello again! I come around and share our life about once a month, or maybe like once every two months... sorry to those of you that actually enjoy reading this. I seriously am amazed at the speed of time. I really got given a different time schedule somewhere in the past 6 months! I seriously don't have 24 hrs in a day and 7 days are not in my week. It goes way too fast for my time to be accurate.

So moving along, I am now 24 weeks pregnant (whoa 6 months along!) and let me tell you I feel like an elephant... in both respects, #1 because they carry their unborn for 22 months! #2 in reference to size! 

We started this whole journey the week of memorial day last year. The wild ride became an official reality as of August 20th of 2012. That was the official date of the legal stuff. We called both of the precious embryo lives entrusted to us, our own. From that day forward it was game time. Let me tell you, with all of the steps being done from a private stand point, WE had to make sure everything happened. So the amazing donor family had to put up with numerous phone calls sometimes numerous times a day, and they had to run here and there for tests, to sign papers, to fax information, etc. The clinic we went through for the implantation had all sorts of regulations they had to follow and could NOT be in contact with the donor family because they were NOT the clients. It was crazy! The next cycle we could be apart of was October. I received my first calendar of suppression shots and meds at the end of August. So all summer we were talking about it and praying about it, but from August until October we were planning and preparing and our world, prayers and conversations revolved around those precious lives. 

So needless to say, It seems like I have been pregnant MUCH longer than I actually have! Its great to see the way God is writing the story, its unfolding with such a healthy pregnancy, I mean put aside my own sickness that first few months, and I am carrying this life with zero complications. This precious girl was frozen for 5 YEARS and now she is growing inside of me with no problems! What an incredible blessing, she had NO way of getting here without a womb and I had a womb that was able. I mean, I selfishly don't love the journey of pregnancy but pregnancy is such an incredible THING. I am growing a human being without doing a thing... how amazing are the bodies God created for us. It definitely puts perspective around the scripture that our bodies are a living temple and God dwells within us. I couldn't and wouldn't have done this without his leading, so as I offer my body, my womb up to him, he grows LIFE inside of me. HE is unbelievable. 

Some of you may know I work at Gap in the kid/baby department, my amazing leaders are so respectful of my busy life, so It doesn't seem like an actual job, its more of a way for me to get out of the house 1-2 times a week with a chance to connect with society and a great discount on kids clothes! I love helping people out and being in an environment where although at times it can get messy, for the most part I can clean up and keep order in a much better way than I do in my own home! I get asked ALL the time now by customers when my baby is due, and of course if this is my FIRST CHILD! I LOVE the responses I get when I say its my 6th baby! As long as the store isn't too busy I will take a moment to share that the baby I am carrying is adopted. Those looks trump the first response! Its such a great reminder every time I share our story because I am myself blown away by God's hand and the miracle that really is in this process.  

Lately, I have been very intentional to tell the kids about their time in my tummy and its so cute to hear them tell each other their particular story. They GRAB on to what is theirs with such a pride in their identity. I love hearing them tell each other and its like they remember it in the way they share it! Now in regards to identity, I have to share that we HAVE officially named our sweet girl. 

We went to visit JR's grandma the other day and I took my computer along for the almost 2 hr ride, I have wanted to sit down and write for a while but like I said earlier... my time goes by so fast! So I did it in the van a few days ago... the post got really long! So I am breaking up my posts. This is a little update of where we are at 6 months along. I will post very soon, about the name we have blessed our girl with. 

Gender Reveal

I am creeping up in double-digit weeks, 18 weeks today! Its funny how weeks fly by so fast but then the numbers seem to be crawling. I feel like I have been pregnant for 6 months already! I get embarrassed when I actually tell people my due date is in July! I haven't wanted to post a photo of me due to my instantly protruding bulge... but I thought I'd share one reluctantly, so here's the first post of my ever growing bump.

Now I posted two weeks ago that we were finding out the gender of our precious baby. We did!!! (a week ago!) I thought a gender reveal thing/party would be so fun, but our social circle seems limited these days! Haha! So we called a few family members and friends and then a week flew by without any sort of announcement. I am sorry if you have actually been interested in knowing!

So how do I say it on here with it being fun? Really there is no way without just blurting it out, so I will tell you about our experience last Friday morning... We asked the kids to declare their gender guess by wearing boy colors or girl colors... here is a photo of them:

Foster, Charlie & Betsy wore Boy colors for sure... Willow had on a jean shirt & a peach tutu... she was pretty undecided since she couldn't do more than imitate our words... "boyie, guurl"... she had no idea what the question meant! Paisley was in pink for sure! JR was in blue head to toe and I wore (No photo of us sorry... forgot!) a coral top with bright color blue pants... I was 50% certain but really I didn't know!

We showed up to the location mid mornig, and asked the ladies, once they determined the gender to please whisper it to our oldest son Foster... The sono started and the baby was moving all around and in less than two minutes they called him over to share the secret, then we had him hold the secret and count to 10 & then he revealed...

These girls will be adding another sister to their bond! Miss Paisley was certain as could be I was having one baby and that it was a girl! We were so excited to see HER on the 3D ultrasound... here is a picture of the sono (sorry its not clear)... Her feet are hiding behind the placenta... but you can see her head, her right hand is up in front of her nose and mouth, then her left hand is bent and up by her barely developed ear.

We got to watch her swim around for awhile... and once the news set in I yelled out, I am so happy! But we had such a great name for a baby boy! I had said in my last post I was so thrilled to know the gender and call this precious baby by name! Even though I had a very real dream I was having a girl around 12 weeks & we started to search for girl names we did not walk into that appointment with any certain but a boy name! So no name yet... great ideas but nothing set in stone.

I had also mentioned in the last post that I was having a difficult time connecting with the baby, I have felt a great breakthrough through with that. The Lord shed some light on things in my heart that I was able to release and trust him with and I have found a great freedom in connecting with her!

Now that this is what's happening... I love it, 4 girls 4.8 years apart!!! These sisters will have a blast growing up, I am sure we will have our share of drama, and emotional breakdowns, but the vision we have over how we will pour into our children is great! I have heard numerous times, well wait until their teenagers... I look forward to the season! It will be an adventurous journey but I will not speak anything but life over my girls! The other night, Paisley our oldest had taken Foster's toothbrush, he had asked for it back, and she yelled "FOSTER, YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE!!!!!" JR and I over heard this and although we were laughing hysterically at the dramatic outburst, we immediately called her down to us and addressed it. Little girls emotions and exaggeration don't have to run wild. We told her, her words spoken were meant to be true no matter who she was talking to, saying something like that was no different than lying... we gave her a visual of what her life "ruined" might look like and she committed to not talking that way.

We will have many more moments like the other night night and we know at certain points these girls will actually believe they have "ruined lives" but we will fight to stay connected and walk through those seasons with them, we will teach them in love how to handle the emotions they have. I know we don't have a clue really but we know the one that wrote the entire story to our existence. God is not just an idea in our home, he is not a religion, we have a genuine on going relationship with the Lord and we filter our every decision through Jesus. So these girls (and boys) are entrusted to us because for some gracious reason the lord sees JR as a father that is fit to raise 4 daughters and sees me able to mother them. We can't do this without Jesus. We wouldn't do it without him. We walk in our role as parents as though it is a high calling. Because it is.

So four daughters and two sons. that's the way its being written! Now we just have to name her! Are you ready to hear all my ridiculous naming rules? They are serious to me... so I am about to expose my neurotic thoughts and then you can see why name searching is keeping me up at night...

1. MUST BE MEANINGFUL (complete story as to why)
2. Two syllables, and can't end in the "ie, or Y" sound (We already have, Charlie, Paisley & Betsy)
3. Must start with a consonant but not a "F, CH, P, B, W"...
4. The meaning has to pertain to this season and what we want to pray & speak over her (So it can be cute and mean something great like Pure... but it has to resonate in our hearts).

So... I had these rules with Willow, they made it challenging to name her, but these restrictions are real to me... once we had a name we liked we prayed over it. I can remember the night my heart was overwhelmed with peace from the lord, to name her Georgia Willow June... Georgia is a name sake in honor of the family that we lived life with that mentored us in Atlanta. Willow represents life... trees are symbolic for life & growth and our season in Georgia was one of life & growth... Our little Willow came in our life at a time when we didn't think it was right or that we could handle it... We of course knew there was nothing to do but process, pray & prepare for her... she forever changed us... We are better parents and people because of how the Lord grew us through her birth (life).

Should I go into all the kids names and their meanings? We have prayed through every one of the meanings and is something we want to speak over them. They will begin to search out who they are at some point, we have been so intentional about thinking of them at 12 years old and 20 years old... junior high years and college years are years of transition, you define more of yourself in those times and we want them to know how important their identity was to us. We speak life over them... Naming is a BIG deal! I mean God put a lot of stock in it, if it didn't matter why do they have meanings? Why were people's names changed through out the bible?

So there you have it, I have a lot of restrictions but it is how my mind thinks... We have a few names we are talking about but nothing I am ready to share today... If you have heard a word from the Lord and have a name you want to share PLEASE email me!!! Haha! I will say this I won't be surprised if what we are thinking about now ends up being her name, and if that's true... We probably won't disclose her name until her birth... I don't want to hear what people think, I haven't cared what others think before nor have we kept names a secret... so I guess we'll see!

Now when she does arrive she is gonna have a few cute new things to wear since I got rid of everything for tiny babies or else she would be on round 4 of hand me downs, but I will need to restock some of my newborn to 12 mth stuff, if I had a few less kids, I would make goodwill & garage sales a part time job but that is not happening for me!

In other news,  Homeschooling around here is becoming a fun way of life. I don't foresee them home in high school but these young years together as a family make for awesome bonds and great memories we will never get back! I took the crew to the zoo on Tuesday morning, 60 something degrees and they seriously ran the whole zoo in an hour. It was awesome getting them out of the house, especially since its in the single digits today & frigidly bitter out.

 I cannot wait for spring to arrive... thank the Lord that February is a short month and although the weather is cruddy in March its always a refreshing month because you can smell the spring time coming... I look forward to lots of park days & long walks this spring.


That's all for now, enjoy your weekend! I know ours will fly by, but we always look forward to Sunday's, we have the best church body and its great to be in fellowship with everyone! So cheers to babies and finding out their genders! Boy or Girl we would love it, and we do, we love our newest growing and developing daughter!

16 weeks pregnant

I last posted when I was nine weeks along and right in the thick of early pregnancy sickness. It's been 7 weeks, I am happy to say that I am 16 weeks pregnant and abundantly thankful to say good-bye to my last first trimester of my life. I know that may resonate with some and for others that may seem sad or a bit insensitive, but I do have peace this child in my womb is the last one I will carry & birth.

Now obviously the Lord has led our hearts down this very unique pregnancy road with the embryos we adopted and I am very thankful for the ability to carry and the fact that God led us down this road when he did. I am not sure I would have had the courage or the openness to adopt this way had we fully moved out and away from the childbearing stage. (Like waited another 2 or 3 years to do this).

I had spent quite a bit of time in prayer over prevention of pregnancy and where we stood in earlier years through our marriage... and I finally came to a very real and peaceful place in my heart. Reality is that abstinence is one extreme spectrum and childbearing until menopause is the other extreme... I knew that neither of those sides of the spectrum where a place we felt called to live in. So prevention whether temporary or permanent was a freedom that the Lord gave us. I fully respect and honor woman who open their womb up to the Lord their entire life. Children are biblically a blessing. So in the beginning of our marriage I was of that belief, I didn't agree with prevention for us and getting in the way of the Lord blessing us with life. I also did not know in the beginning of our marriage what life would be like with 5 children in 5 years.

I have heard countless women say, "I am done" having children. I could never relate to that emotion or feeling of certainty. I was not ready to make a permanent decision after #2&3 or #4. I can now say I do relate. I have given the Lord my heart in this position I had been open to mothering more children, and after #5 (Willow) turned 1 (last May) I felt this utter sense of peace that my heart was full.  I was willing to have more children but I didn't need to for me. I felt better with knowing the option was there in the past, but #4 & #5 came so fast, that time didn't pass for me to process life with more.  I am one of those women who LOVE newborns and infants... (Not the biggest fan of 1 year olds...) but I didn't want to have a 6th baby for me... I LOVE them so much but they don't stay babies. I didn't want my reason to continue having children be because I selfishly felt fulfillment. I surrendered that love for the greater love of the ones I already have. So I stopped nursing Willow last spring over her first birthday and I wept, knowing I was done. I wasn't second guessing my decision to be done I was just in a small place of grief over how quick my childbearing years were. Start to finish 5 1/2 years. It had felt like a whirlwind.

Then we went on our first family vacation a week later and the alignment in meeting the embryo Donor family was God led in every sense. I gave up having more of my own children. I was ready to raise the ones we had and let the desire to adopt rest in God's hands. I thought that would happen 5 or 6 years from now, through the Foster care system.  Now obviously we are adopting much sooner than 5 years... but that's all apart of the beauty in surrendering life decisions to the Lord. I do believe the Lord gives us choices and the freedom to make decisions over our family. Its the position of our hearts that get in the way. So I sit here, with this bittersweet feeling to be done with my "last first Tri" but I am not looking back tearfully. My countdown to the end is on, I am so excited to see the way we will grow once we hold this little life and and gain even more understanding as to why we walked this road. I know the revelation in those first few days of this child's life will be powerful and most likely bring us into deep places of joy, grief, understanding, new love, & so many other emotions and new realities.

Another reason I am thankful to be 4 months along, is that we are getting closer to knowing the person in my womb by name. Once we can find out the gender we can begin to pray over this little person in a whole new way. I am a complete fan of waiting to find out the gender I think that would be such a surreal moment... to meet a child through surprise, but in our personal experience knowing the identity of our baby allows us to bond in such a deep way for a period of months & that prayerful time connects us in a way that we feel like we already know the little life that lives on the inside as soon as we meet eye to eye.

I have to admit carrying a child that is not of my genetic make-up has put a barrier up for me to connect in ways I am used to... although my love for this baby is already so intense I am looking forward to the tenderness of my heart knowing I am having another son or another daughter.

So much about this story is different and foreign and yet right now it is so very common. 4 months pregnant... its so common but never really heard of... 4 months pregnant with an adopted baby. I am already showing a pregnant belly quite clearly. The biggest baby I have carried is 7 lbs... not counting the twins. I could be carrying a 9 or 10lb baby! I know plenty of women who have done it, its just not in my experience yet. Oh I have also felt baby movement since the end of 14 weeks. I have not ever felt movement until at least 18 or 19 weeks. I can't help but wonder if two babies are really in there, or if this child is a little genius, I mean the movement is like a "finger flick" so low in my uterus and its already becoming consistent in its time of day... right in the evening time before I go to bed. Brilliant little one!

My appointments at my OB fell to where I can't have a sono until I am 22 weeks pregnant... so that puts me at the first week of March and I can NOT wait that long to know! I know that may seem impatient but I personally need the connection through gender sooner than that.

So we have a scheduled appointment at a ultrasound place next Friday when I will be 17 weeks. I am about to start counting down the hours to this appointment!

So soon we will know!!! it really is life changing information. I look forward to my life changing once again. I will get to spend the next 6 months growing in an intimacy with him or her in a new way.

9 weeks and counting...

So here is our little jelly bean as of Monday this past week. I am thankful for sonograms, they bring so much joy in the midst of all of this sickness. The baby's heart rate has been strong each time we have seen the jelly bean.

I have been off the radar for the past few weeks because the first trimester cruds have set in full swing. I wake up dripping in sweat. This is an actual first time in pregnancy for me. I have never dealt with body temperature issues in the past, but my goodness I deal with being cold all day long these days then once I go to bed I am an oven. When I wake up to use the girls room, I have to use the sheets to wipe my legs off... there have been a few nights that I am certain I didn't wake up in enough time and I've thought I have had an accident! Its gross! Oh I won't even go into detail how the texture of my sheets are driving my skin crazy! I feel like a looney person! Once I get up each day and get myself showered and ready (relative term these days) (I have sweatpants I rotate each day) I make my way into the kids rooms and get them dressed & get a basic breakfast ready for them... its alternating between cereal and some sort of frozen breakfast item that can be warmed up.

I get Foster started with school and we make our way through most of his lessons but once 10am hits I have to position my body in a horizontal direction, be that on the floor or my couch.. I want to lay down. Now here's the part that has added to my already strong hormonal emotions... I eat all the time. I can't stop. I feel good in the moment and I eat two and three servings of bad things. In six days I put on 5 lbs. I know you may think that's no big deal, but I have a bit of a selfish battle going on internally... I worked so hard to get excess weight off after the last baby. I actually feel like for the first time in my life I changed my lifestyle, I didn't just diet. I lost 31 lbs after baby #5.

So I went into this pregnancy so excited to be healthy and fit. I had huge intentions of eating great and exercising through out the whole thing (unless I carried more than one baby). I have moderately exercised up until the last week... and my ability to make self controlled eating decisions has been a joke! I have really tried to quiet my heart and reach out the the lord for help in the area, I know eating large amounts of sugary items is not helping me, baby or my digestive system! All in all, this past few weeks has been a whirl wind of emotions and physical feelings that I have been sidetracked by. I know its all "just pregnancy" I am adjusting to that reality. I do hope that my doctor will release me to exercise throughout the rest of my pregnancy... I would love to rock crossfit in modified ways once I can keep my body in an upright position.

So that's me... now on to my incredibly understanding children. I am telling you in the midst of the morning snuggles and the afternoon naps, I sense the presence of the Lord holding my hand in the form of 20 some pound human beings. I am amazed at their patience with me. Their grace over this other tiny human being overtaking their mother and they are still thrilled that this life is growing inside of me.

This little girl also known as Lilybit these days turned 18 mths the day before thanksgiving. She doesn't verbally say much yet but she communicates exactly what she wants. she is content with her food related signs. Its fun to watch her observe her world. Isn't she just beautiful?

 Miss Paisley is enjoying school and routines. She would love it if I would let her give up naps, and to be honest I would have if this season were different but I say we can go another few months!

 I nap every day with miss Betsy Jean Harper... she climbs in my bed and snuggles right into the crook of my neck and then peacefully breathes herself to sleep. It's perfection.

 Mr. Charlie is something! Now he & his twin sister both really began talking in full sentences only a little over a year ago. August/September of last year his and Paisley's language came in after 15 months of speech therapy. So its funny to hear him say things that come out in a tone that is disrespectful because when you look at his face he really doesn't mean what he sounds like. But we are having a heck of a time getting him to understand how to change that! 

 Mr Foster is growing so much in the Lord, I love what God is doing in his life. When I was pregnant with him, I was prayed over and the woman praying said I was carrying a teacher prophet and that they Lord would show him things that we are ourselves did not teach him. 

Its pretty incredible to see our 6 year old work out his own beliefs at this age. We will love each stage, the certainty, the questioning, the potential doubt, the transformation, the call... we will love them all. 

We are heading to Florida for the holidays, (two weeks from today!) I am thrilled to get the chance to get away, it will be the first time in 6 years that we will spend the Christmas holiday with my family. We alternate between our families so on the even years we are to spend it with my family but my mom is out running from the cold and traveling the opposite direction as us every year! So this year is the first year we have the time to go, so we are doing it! I can't wait to surprise the kids with our adventures once we get down there! I hope your holidays are going well, and that you get the chance to slow down and enjoy this time.

Oh my goodness one last thing, I mentioned something on Facebook about a week ago about meals and I can't tell you how awesome it has been to receive a few meals this week! I don't think there is a better way to bless our family! I hate cooking when I feel good so add my physical state to that equation and I am telling grill cheese is gourmet. So if you read this and you have blessed us with a meal, I am seriously telling you... You have blessed my heart DEEPLY!!! Thank you! God bless you.